I worry a lot. It is something that has plagued me for years. Don’t get me wrong, I have faith in God and faith in my church family. I just allow myself to worry about things I have no control over.
I think we all do that to a degree. We allow ourselves to envision the worse possible scenario for every situation. I know that this is my great curse. I always “prepare” myself for the worst possible outcome. This, of course, causes me to worry and takes a tremendous toll on my health.
I do this for a wide range of things too. A couple of weeks ago I had to leave an event early because I was sick. I should have left far earlier than I did, but I stayed because I was worried about what people would think or say about me. I consider all those people my friends and I have a great amount of respect for them. But I still worried about what they would say or think of me because I had to leave.
And a part of me still worries about it. You see, I have spent years of my life trying so very hard to earn people’s respect. I have always felt like I am inferior to everyone. I am the least educated of my friends and family. I am not as healthy as many of them are. I am broken and damaged. Even down to the fact that I suffer from PTSS and depression.
I allow all those things to bounce around in my head and convince me that I am not worthy of love or respect. And then comes the worry. What if I am not good enough? What if I say the wrong thing? Will I end up running everyone off because of my brokenness? What will happen if I cannot do all the things they can do or stay through all the events they need me to stay for? Will they still respect me, love me, want me around if I cannot be what I think they want me to be?
And then the race has begun. The great race in my own head. It keeps going and going until I am almost paralyzed with fear, worry, anxiety, and overwhelming sadness.
I speak about these things not to get sympathy, but so that you can understand the struggle that I and many others deal with on a daily basis. Pastor’s deal with depression and anxiety in record numbers. That is why so many quit and so many loose their faith. They cannot continue fighting the battle that wages within themselves.
Yes, I still worry. I am far from perfect. But I continue to fight everyday to improve. I try to be there for others despite my own struggles. But I am also learning that I must take time to care for me too. And I am working on that. I am going to take a day off every week. I may not return emails or phone calls on that day unless it is an emergency. And at some point, I may have to give up some of the organizations I work with now for my own health’s sake. (Not the church, but other civic organizations I volunteer with. )
I understand your struggle with worry and anxiety. And hopefully, if you do not experience worry and anxiety, maybe you at least understand the struggle many of us have with it after reading this.
The goal is to keep on keeping on and to rest from time to time so that we can keep on going!
And do not worry, I still love you just the way you are!